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awful, formulaic, regurgitated.
Yet it really conforts to see you smiling again.
Drunk-driven-free.
Courtey of life.
We all have our reasons for re-writing history,
sometimes we need to provide ourselves alibis,
sometimes we want to hurt someone who has hurt us,
and there are times that we want to save ourselves embarassment.
Ofcourse there are some who feel to rewrite history is another way to lie.
But what is history anyway?
But a set of lies agreed on.
I wonder..if I had made the most inappropriate decisions.
It has been a while since I have decided to make an un-informed change to my blog...
Anyway, I figured that this would be a long post.
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I pondered over the what the next line would be.
Perhaps the fact that I had flung English shall be the start and the reason that I couldn't tell my mom.
"All will be fine," I assured her. Yet deep inside I would've known better.
Yet, I just want to mention the number of days since I last spoke to my father.
I have never expected such trivial, subtle issue would land me in such a bad state.
I'm losing count of it already.
To be honest, I'm already feeling sick to mention about my family.
Except that lately, I learnt the dark truth of an older sibling.
I believe that I have already mention a couple of times about what shameless deed that my father has committed.
Frankly, I no longer feel the mortification of mentioning this to my friends, but a feeling of disgust and humiliation of acknowledging such kin.
Even so, learning to forgive to forget would usually turn out to be the only solution but its been the fifth time I shall be doing so and I can't expect myself to do so again.
Yet, there are still weighing issues that remained in me and I would have been most eager to relief such desirable weight from my tired shoulders.
Yet, however I have no idea where or how to begin.
I have no intentions of beating around the bush,
every word shall be straight forward, clear and undeniable hurtful at some points.
Clearly, I am not an expressive person.
To me, I tend to judge people in a way that perhaps most people wouldn't or should I say, just wouldn't understand.
True friends, to me, are priceless possessions to come by.
So priceless, that this drug has already caught me too unexpectedly.
Things took an especially sharp turn this year;
to a point where things went overboard and I grew, feeding off every anger, guilt, jealously and other dull blend of negative emotions that I have experienced in the mournful world of friendship.
I began to grasp these priceless possession to strongly, ignorant their pleas for release- I have yet to noticed the cracks to mark where I have did something which hurt another so badly.
Somehow, rather predictably, the thin thread line of the friendship broke.
The acceptance of such hulky issue has proved to be a difficult task to content.
The process was slow and unbearably painful. I still remember how I would collapse in the bath or waking up in the middle of the night huddling myself and crying.
I remember how I tried to saviour the last of it, trying every means to get things right again.
Though the task would have meant for me only, I as glad that there was a still a fair number of people who was there to encourage and see my through.
Although I have to admit, such memories were hazy and barely visible by now, there is still an inevitable tug of heart strings and pain of regret. Because, they all meant something to me.
Truth Hurts
There are points that I wished to be honest about.
I hate to admit but at the period of my recovery,
I was simply blinded by jealously and anger that I began to hate, even the once who had always been with me.
Now, looking back, I learnt how throwing harsh words and being a smart tard wasn't all great choices. I was just being immature.
Recently, I noticed how things meet changes.
I saw how our relations began to wane slowly and people around me are slowly yet definitely drifting away.
Its been a long while since we all went out together already. Those were cherished moments.
I believe, that my clique would have known that I am an outgoing person, hardly would there be times when I'll turn down offers to hit outdoors.
Yet, I felt that perhaps my presence would meant missing out on one other.
I turned her down just the other day.
Though not without asking if she had mentioned that to him.
"He won't come de la so ask you lor."
I merely nodded before stroding off.
Perhaps this simple reply wasn't intended hold a meaning.
But I have learnt my place in their heart and possibly the value of this friendship.
Frankly, I begin to wonder if the clique name(couldn't recall what) even meant anything at all..
I was even tempted to "break off" though I learnt how stupid it was.
Even so, I began to comprehend and learnt that such option could be part of consideration.
To be honest, I feel torn ed between two difficult spots.
First off first, I learnt that my closest friend was really unapproving of my "other side" friend. In spite of that, he chose respect and kept it within himself.
The other issue, to put it plainly, I no longer felt the warmth, the joy we use to have.
What I often see now is but, short laughter shams, nervous laughs...
Words to spare
It sparked off rather particularly that day.
A stupid joke that turned out different.
"Attention seeker!" she blared before stomping off, disappearing at the turn of the corridor.
He watched her disappear, seemingly unstirred by the remark.
Yet, deep down his stomach was churning with the urge to shout back, "I'm not an attention seeker!"
"I just want to be accepted, to be recognised as a friend. Because, I feel really, really lonely."
There would probably be a million things that I could've talked about.
It would probably been like a thirsty flea which knows no limits to content itself.
A blood feast frenzy.
De facto forlorn...
sorry...
the promise i made..
sorry i couldnt keep to it..not today.
Went deeper into my past today.
its dark in here.